The lonely and confused kid

Tonight, just feel so lonely... actually not just tonight, I'm always lonely... since as kid... just... I'm at the gorgeous Taj Mahal Palace Mumbai (yes, the one went through such a tragedy and full of stories) after two cocktails suddenly my heart fall down and want to cry... cry for the loneliness, for the unpredictable destiny.

Feel like I'm always on the way, on the way - physically or/and mentally. But do I want to settle down? I ask myself. Half of me say - yes! I'm longing for settled life as the normal others and maybe the peace will come along. However, the other half - the one always inside me say no no no no. I'm scared of the word "settle". Believe I belong to nowhere, to nobody. I'm a lonely and confused kid.

Yes, I told myself, told everyone that I quit acohol. But deep inside I'm desperately for this devil - it brings me to the mood: faked happy like in the heaven, then the rush to cry out all my lifelong loneliness and sadness - I want it and I don't want it; I hate it and I need it; I'm me and I'm not myself; I want to stay and I want to go away. The inner conflict is there forever.

"They'd sell their soul and body to be popular!"

"Popular. That's all I hear. That's the magic word, istn't it? That's what the matter with this generation. Nobody thinks about being smart, or clever, or sweet or even attractive. No, sir. They want to be skinny and flat-chested and popular. THEY'D SELL THEIR SOUL AND BODY TO BE POPULAR, and if you ask me a lot to them do."